Rebecca: Kartman's cut
by Kartman
Summary: A spoof retelling of a book I had to read in high school "modern novel" class. Maybe it's better off this way.


(A fast and comedic retelling, with an alternate ending!)  
By: [Joshua "Kartman" Wayne]  
  
REBECCA is property of whoever wrote the book (I can't remember. If anyone   
knows, tell me.)  
  
(In the car, on the way up the cliffside)  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Since the narrator didn't have a first name in the book,   
she'll simply be known as 'Narrator'.  
  
NARRATOR: "Oh, my, this cliff is really high! I don't want to look!"  
  
MAXIM: "Oh, we'll be up there in no time in my new 1937 Gremlin!"  
  
NARRATOR: "I don't want to look! This cliff must be over 500 feet up!"  
  
MAXIM: "Oh, come on, Mrs. DeWinter! It's not so bad! I took my ex up here!"  
  
NARRATOR:"Not her again! Can't you stop talking about her!!?"  
  
MAXIM:"No, I can't! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!"   
  
NARRATOR:"Forget it. Let's go."  
  
MAXIM:"Go where?"  
  
NARRATOR:"I don't know. Let's see." (looks at her copy of the script)  
  
MAXIM:"So...where?"  
  
NARRATOR:"......I...don't know...I can't read a word of this thing!!"  
  
MAXIM:"Oh well...Skip to the next scene."  
  
NARRATOR:"I'll use an Insta--"  
  
(Kartman:"Lawsuit, Narrator lady!!")   
  
(Suddenly, Max and the narrator are on another road, in the middle of a   
rainstorm.)  
  
NARRATOR: "I thought Gremlins had tops! I'm getting all wet!"  
  
MAXIM:"I got it this way."  
  
NARRATOR:"You're pretty &$*&$ cheap."  
  
MAXIM:"Oh well, here we are at Manderley."  
  
NARRATOR: "It's about time! ...Wow, it's huge! I've never seen anything so   
inflated like that!"   
  
MAXIM:"Stop looking at my head."  
  
NARRATOR:"Oh...well the house isn't too bad..."  
  
  
  
(Inside Manderley, some time later...the narrator is checking out some stuff in   
the office in the East WIng...or was it the West wing...???)  
  
NARRATOR:"Did...Rebecca write this stuff?"  
  
JASPER (entering the room): "Bark! Bark!"  
  
NARRATOR:"Oh, Jasper, did you come in to keep me company?" (drops a pen)  
  
JASPER:"Woof, woof!!!" (grabs the pen in its mouth)  
  
NARRATOR:"Now you know not to play with these things!" (tries to grab the   
pen, but Jasper backs away from the desk)  
  
JASPER:(scrawls 'Redrum' on the wall)  
  
NARRATOR:"Redrum...?!!"  
  
JASPER:(scratches it out and writes 'Leave this room!'.)  
  
NARRATOR:"Leave this room!!?"  
  
JASPER:"Bark!"  
  
NARRATOR:(picks up a book and knocks the glass unicorn off the table) "Oh   
no!! ......What should I do...!!?"  
  
JASPER:"Bark!"  
  
NARRATOR:"Oh well...it wasn't real glass anyway." (puts the pieces in the   
drawer and stuffs papers around it.) "Now, Jasper, that's our little secret,   
m'kay?"  
  
JASPER: "Bark!" (plays dead)  
  
  
(Some time later, their little secret is out...)  
  
NARRATOR:"What'll I do? Danvers will kill me until I die!"  
  
VAN HOPPER:"Sorry, DeWinter, but you're screwed! You broke Rebecca's wedding   
present!!! She'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!!!!!!!!! Now   
get me some donuts!!"  
  
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know that Van Hopper wasn't in this scene, but for humorous   
purposes, I threw her in   
anyway.)  
  
NARRATOR:"Are you sure? Isn't there anything I can do?"  
  
VAN HOPPER:"NO! She'll get you and she'll send Ben up to spank you!"   
  
NARRATOR:"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"   
  
(But...)  
  
MAXIM:"Ben, you did it?!?!"   
  
DANVERS:"I assure you, that gimp did it! Send 'im to the looney bin!"  
  
BEN:"I-don'--wannda be--thrown in da' asylum!"  
  
DANVERS:"My little scheme is working! I will soon break Mrs. DeWinter's   
will and then...I WILL RULE THE WORLD!!!"  
  
MAXIM:"Did you say something, Ms. Danvers?"  
  
DANVERS:"No, no I didn't."  
  
KARTMAN [me, the author]: "Shut up, Danvers. It's time for the narrator's   
scene again."  
  
  
(Awhile later, somewhere on the Manderley land plot...)  
  
NARRATOR:"What is he hiding in that cottage?"  
  
(The narrator approaches the door)  
  
JASPER:"Woof!" (drools on Rebecca's shoe)  
  
NARRATOR:"Oh, Jasper, you shouldn't have...! Do you know what he's keeping   
in this beautiful cottage?"  
  
(The door opens)  
  
BEN:"This is ma' residence. Lookit Jasper! I cloned' im ma'self!"  
  
NARRATOR:"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!"  
  
BEN:"Commere, I jus' want some company, dat's all!"  
  
NARRATOR:"Maybe I don't wanna know that bad! It was never this bad in   
America!!!" (runs for her life)  
  
JASPER:"Grrrr...!" (bites Ben's leg)  
  
(That night...)  
  
MAXIM:"I'm looking forward to seeing you in your dress for the ball   
tonight."  
  
NARRATOR: "I assure you you'll be thoroughly surprised by it." (turns in the   
direction of the oversize painting in the hall)  
  
MAXIM:"Well, you may want to get changed. Everyone's here."  
  
VAN HOPPER (to herself): "She never got me no donuts!"  
  
(In the dressing room)  
  
DANVERS:"You know, this is the dress Rebecca wore when she was married   
to   
Max."  
  
NARRATOR:"I suppose that's why I wanted to wear it. He's so in on   
wanting someone like Rebecca."  
  
DANVERS:"Well, you'll get quite a reaction when you walk down that   
stairwell. I'll be your advisor on these things. You can trust me."  
  
NARRATOR:"Thank you, Ms. Danvers!"  
  
(Meanwhile, back downstairs...)  
  
VAN HOPPER:"When will she be back?!" (fighting with Jasper over a steak)  
  
MAXIM:"Patience everyone. Let her do it at her own pace..."  
  
(Upstairs, the door opens...)  
  
FRITH: "Waittaminit..."  
  
MAXIM: "That's her! Act proper, you knuckleheads!"  
  
BEN:"Dat iz ma' speshultee." (acts like an idiot)  
  
MAXIM:"And you, Obi-Wan, don't act at all."  
  
(The narrator walks down the stairs. Ms. Danvers watches from the hall at the   
top. The narrator enters the view of the crowd at the bottom.)  
  
FRITH: ".........okay."  
  
BEN:"Woooow...! Rebecca's back!"  
  
VAN HOPPER: "Aaaaawww...!" (pukes all over Jasper)  
  
JASPER: (pukes all over Mrs. Van Hopper)  
  
MAXIM:"........................"  
  
NARRATOR:"So, what do you think?"  
  
MAXIM:"..................Go up and change. Anything else will do."  
  
NARRATOR:(turns around and rushes up the stairs)  
  
DANVERS:"........."  
  
NARRATOR:"You knew this would happen, didn't you!!?"  
  
DANVERS:"........."  
  
NARRATOR:"YOU ^$&*#*&%($#(*%(&$^*&^*^*$&(&$()*Y^^#*%*&(&$*(   
&(&(*$)*_(_$!!!!!!!" (rushes into her room)  
  
DANVERS:"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Success! I've humiliated the heck outta   
that trailer trash!"  
  
V.H./JSPR.:(stop puking on each other and continue fighting over the steak)  
  
(And so we all know the downward spiral everyone takes and how the narrator gets   
increasingly suspicious of what Rebecca was really like. Maxim decided to tell   
the truth.)  
  
MAXIM:"And so I never loved Rebecca..."  
  
(Psycho theme plays)  
  
NARRATOR:"I knew it all along!!!"  
  
VAN HOPPER:(is somewhere inhaling a cheesecake, chokes on it)  
  
MAXIM:"So, how did she die?"  
  
NARRATOR:"I'll try and tell it...She came back drunker than Ben, and   
started going on about..."  
  
(Flashback)  
  
REBECCA:"An...[hic]...I...wuz out...wit Jack!! Weee had ourshelvesh   
aaah grreat time! An'...yer' jus' [hic] white traaash!!"  
  
MAXIM:(too shocked to say anything)  
  
REBECCA:"An...Ah'm goin' out wit' Ben tomorrow!"  
  
MAXIM:(slaps Rebecca)  
  
REBECCA:"Hee, hee...hee...hee." (stumbles toward Max, and trips,   
hitting her head on the dresser)  
  
MAXIM:"Holy crap!" (checks Rebecca)  
  
REBECCA:"Ha...ha, ha, ...ha......" (dies)  
  
(End flashback)  
  
  
  
NARRATOR:"That was what happened...but that doesn't explain why you get   
all edgy everytime I mention boating...or even taking a &$^#& bath for that   
matter!"  
  
JACK (rushing in):"Max! We brought it up!"  
  
MAXIM:"Why now!?!?!?"  
  
NARRATOR:"Brought what up?"  
  
MAXIM:"Oh...u-uh, nothing...(under his breath)...I'm busted...!"   
  
(Some time later, at Maxim's trial)  
  
JUDGE:"So, according to Jack here, she took the boat out and   
committed suicide right...but Mr. DeWinter, can you explain to the jury why?   
This whole thing seems too out of order, and I'm not talking about just this   
fic!"  
  
MAXIM: "This isn't out of order! You're out of order!! The whole &$^^#&%   
system is out of order!! You want the truth? You want the truth!!? YOU CAN'T   
HANDLE THE TRUTH...!!!"  
  
JUDGE: "Maxim, restrain yourself! ...The only information we received was that   
Max claimed that Rebecca tripped and fell on a dresser, but then he corrected   
that by saying that he shot her on the boat after finding out she   
was pregnant--ahem--expecting, then he corrected himself again by saying she   
committed suicide in that boat, and then some doctor tells me that she had   
cancer instead...Tell me, what's going on here?"  
  
MAXIM (breaking down): "...I don't know...It's all too   
confusing...Just...just...let me go for now...!"  
  
JUDGE: "...Alright. We will continue this tomorrow. Case dismissed."  
  
  
  
(Meanwhile, back at Manderley)  
  
DANVERS:"Ah, now for the final phase of my mad plan! He left his Gremlin   
here, so I can carry it out!" (prepares to start the Gremlin) "Aaaahahahaha!!!"  
  
GREMLIN:(explodes upon starting, throwing flaming gas everywhere,   
including the estate)  
  
DANVERS"PERFECT!!! Now to act like an idiot for the rest of the fic!"  
  
  
(Meanwhile, on the way home in Max's '36 Pinto...)  
  
JACK:"Are you that worried about this whole trial?"  
  
MAXIM:"I'm thinking about Mrs. DeWinter..."  
  
JACK:"Just hang in there. You'll pull through...Just think about that   
Three Stooges short we went to see last week...Wait a minute, up ahead...that   
red light...?"  
  
MAXIM:"The sun setting?"  
  
JACK:"This late?"  
  
MAXIM:"Wait a minute...!!! That's...Manderley! And I had only one   
payment left on it!"  
  
(They pull up to the burning mansion)  
  
JACK:"Did...Danvers do it?"  
  
DANVERS:(looks at them from inside the house)  
  
MAXIM:"Someone's gotta get her outta there!"   
  
DANVERS:(gives them the One-Digit Salute [middle finger]) "HAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
JACK:"What is she doing...?"  
  
(A ton of burning debris falls on Mrs. Danvers.)  
  
KARTMAN:"Sweet! Now I don't have to do that myself!"  
  
JACK:"...Are you upset, Max?"  
  
MAXIM:"Not at all...she really was a weiner. I'm kinda mad she burned   
down our house though. Now, come on, let's get some coffee and get out of this   
horrible fanfic!"  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The name 'fanfic' isn't too accurate at all. More like just   
'fic'.  
  
THE END...OR IS IT? 


End file.
